9 [entries|friends|calendar] liz. [ website | myspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(overweight) i can't take my eyes off of you... [08 Dec 2009|08:41pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | damien rice -volcano ] falling for someone when it's least convenient sucks! Also not knowing if the other person is falling back or just EXTREMELY nice. It's like crazy stressful! also being married when you don't want to...and being a young mother...and going back to school...and slipping away from your best friend...seriously, why have i not exploded? I keep a pretty cool head for all the pressure I'm under, if i do say so myself. which I'm not sure if i should be proud of or not. please explain to me why my best friend has all of a sudden decided to completely not give a SHIT about me? it's like I'm just here to give her compliments and make her feel better about herself. meanwhile I'm in the fight for my life and when i try to talk to her about it and maybe get some input i just get "oh, that sucks...so I'm doing this this and this today so i have to go..." seriously? alright. I can't even blow up on her...I know exactly what she'll say "Oh my Gosh, Liz...you know I LOVE YOU!" blah blah fuckity blah. If you loved me so much THEN HOW COME WHEN I CALL SOUNDING COMPLETELY DISTRESSED YOU SAY YOU'LL HAVE TO CALL ME LATER AND THEN TEXT ME SAYING "I'm watching a really interesting show, don't hate me." Wow! what an excellent friend...and it's obvious she knows she's being a cunt because she adds in the "don't hate me" which indicates that I SHOULD HATE HER! but i don't so there's that. I felt myself moving forward these past months and all of a sudden I'm at a halt and am probably moving backwards more than anything. I just need to talk to Josh...get on with that whole thing...and then just focus on school and my child. Who by the way has been completely on the back burner, which is HORRIBLE of me. I've been so wound up in me me me that my own child is being neglected...nothing serious, I just haven't been putting his needs in front of mine. Tonight I was playing with him and was just thinking...when was the last time I actually sat down and played with you? Like, without my phone in my hands...or my laptop in front of me. just me and him one on one playing...and i couldn't remember. I felt and still feel awful. I want that to change! I need that outlet in my life so I can relieve this stress and be my fun-loving self again. phew...i feel a little better. still a lot on my mind but at least now i can read it back to myself. Today was my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. I love them. I feel like shit for not remembering but then again after writing all this I can see how I forgot...

(overweight) [01 Dec 2009|10:03pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | national lampoon's christmas vacation ] mk...I want and or NEED a divorce! I'm miserable and am making him miserable. We were pressured to get married in the first place and were stupid to let it happen. To add to the complication, I may or may not be falling for a co-worker. I don't think it could get anymore cliche'. Right now I'm trying to stay extremely focused on the important things...like Joshua. Also getting back to school in January. It's hard when you have secrets that you're withholding from people who really matter to you. I need Alex so badly! Talking on the phone just isn't enough. I need my best friend here with me. *sigh* why must I always learn things THE HARDEST WAY POSSIBLE!?!!?

(overweight) [14 Nov 2009|01:13am] either he doesn't care or he doesn't understand. ...both are bad. ...fuck.

(overweight) fo'eva, fo'eva eva, fo'eva eva. [10 Nov 2009|10:38pm] [ mood | calm ] This thing is so incredibly old it feels almost weird to write in it. But let's get started on the update. Joshua is 10 months as of the 8th. Awesome. He has 3 teeth. He crawls like a pro. He's starting to stand on his own and has taken steps but falls immediately after. I am back to work at Mitchell Proffitt. I love it. Getting out of the house is really good for me. Especially since Josh and I are not doing all that great anymore. In fact last week I decided to look up on my livejournal and I read some entries from last year...including one on Nov. 8th that said stuff about how I didn't want to get married and how I felt pressured etc. It made me really angry and sad. WHY DID I GET MARRIED!? I mean Josh and I are so far from alike, it's crazy. I am however waiting for Josh to go into the Air Force to see if anything changes. Which is another thing to update about. Josh has been, for the past 6 months, trying to get into the Air Force. At first it was his test scores that prevented him from entering...but that got worked out. Now it's the fact that he has too many tickets. So he's having to get a waiver to get in. And that is where we're at right now. Just waiting. I feel like it might come at a good time, because we wouldn't want him to leave before Christmas or Joshua's first birthday. More good news is that I am officially going back to school. I filled out my application today and took a practice CPT test. It feels really good to be going back. I'm a little nervous just because I've been out of a classroom for two years, but it's just something I NEED to do so I'm doing it. I think that covers all of the really important stuff. On a lighter note. I'm supposed to be getting my hair done December 4. Hopefully THIS TIME it will be done right. the last THREE times I've gotten my hair up the ladies have completely FUCKED up my hair, no joke. The first one hacked the shit out of it and the second one did a shitty dye job...TWICE! I only payed for one of those, though. I'm so ready to have a some what decent hairstyle. My weight has dropped significantly this last month. Last I checked I was 112. I've never been under 120 so I'm worried. I know it's due to stress. I really need to get happy. Being in a funk all the time is getting old. I've made a SHIT TON of new friends through my co-worker, John. It's been amazing getting to know them all. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I was honestly praying for friends and God just handed me a big bundle of them at once. In fact I can somewhat owe my sudden motivation to them since they are all pretty much on a serious career track. I've learned that something that motivates me is just whoever I surround myself with. So all this time I've pretty much hung around nobodies and that's who I became. Sort of dur dur dur shit, but it took awhile to get here so I'm going to relish in my realizations. That's pretty much all I can think to write at the moment.

(overweight) [28 Mar 2009|02:32pm] [ mood | complacent ] AHH BABYGAGA IS DOWN! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?! some good news, though. Joshua rolled over today for the first time! ah! He did it three times in a row :) i really have to watch him now he's also learned how to scoot around in his crib and in his chair. so no more just leaving him lying on the couch otherwise i'll come back to find him hanging off of it...or on the floor. yikes. anyway today i'm hanging out with josh's sister, jenny. it's been alright. even though we're only a year and a couple months apart we're really different so it makes conversation a little difficult. but she loves the baby and so do i so we find common ground with that. we're eating over at the mason's house tonight so i guess she's staying here until we leave to go there. so hopefully we can kill the time with some movies.

(overweight) cry baby [08 Mar 2009|11:33pm] [ mood | weird ] Last night Josh and I had a really good/interesting heart to heart. I've gotta say he really impressed me with how passionate he got. I'm just so used to him not having an opinion on anything and being really hush hush about his feelings that it totally shocked me to hear what he had to say. As far as I'm concerned...I'm pretty messed up right now. I mean I understand that I have an infant son and so therefore can't really do much, but I still can't help but feel worthless. Like what the hell am I doing with my life? I've never felt so insecure and so unsure of myself than I do now. I'm starting to wonder if it's something to do with the birth control I just started taking. I'm not sure if it can cause depression but it's a bit of a coincidence that it's happening a few days after starting the pill. anyway i continue to be excited for our trip to virginia! I can't wait to breath that mountain air...I LOVE mountains! Not so much the cold. Joshua slept almost all day today, as well as all night last night...GROWTH SPURT! In fact he's sleeping right now and every once in awhile he'll cry and then stop and continue sleeping. probably because his little body is sore. He's my perfect little angel, God bless every little inch of his body. Animal Planet cracks me up, goodnight!

(overweight) watching CSI [07 Mar 2009|12:24pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | seinfeld ] i'm sitting here watching csi and holding my son while on my new laptop and i realized that i really need to start documenting my life like i used to. soo... josh almost got fired from steak and shake because his manager is a d-bag. but we're thankful that they didn't. yay. i'm not doing much...just taking care of baby joshua. i'd really like to start up with college so i don't end up 30 and just starting college! erk our little family is taking our first road-trip to atlanta and then virginia with my parents for my moms big SIX OH! she's getting 3 different birthday parties and she doesn't even know it!!! i'm so excited! she deserves one hundred birthday parties! hopefully we will all be able to go to the King Tut exhibit in atlanta because seriously i've wanted to see it since i did a project on him in the 3rd grade. bronson and i are talking again. not really hanging out much right now. but it's nice to have us back on good terms. i'm currently saving up to buy my first ipod! i'm so anxious to get it and to start putting music on it. i was going to buy my moms old nano, but it turns that it doesn't work...she NEVER even used it and it doesn't work. gay. but i want a classic anyway so it's all good. well that's about it for now. but can i just say that online banking ROCKS! ok

(overweight) [15 Feb 2009|01:51pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | TV ] i never realized how much i missed music until now. because now all i do is sit at home all day and take care of the baby. which is my job and i love it...but there's something about when i get a moment to myself and i put some music on i feel amazing! it makes me want to do all sorts of things. it's aw inspiring. so i've decided on what i want to do with my life. I WANT TO BE A DERMATOLOGIST!!! and if that takes to long than i'll just be a nurse to a dermatologist. it makes sense to me because ever since i got acne back in 9th grade i've been absolutely obsessed with my skin. trying all sorts of regimes to try to make it better...anyway i feel like it fits. i'd totally get a kick out of helping others with their skin problems. so that's sort of a plan. also i've finally gotten myself an ipod so that i can load it up with all sorts of new music that i've never heard before and during my almost daily errands i'll have some fresh tunes to jam to. sweet! my clothing style has changed as well...or rather settled down. i've always just kinda worn whatever. but now i feel like i actually have a personal style going...and i really can thank pregnancy for that. not being able to wear all the cute clothes i wanted really made me realize exactly what it is i wanted to wear. i mean it sounds silly but clothes really are a huge part of our identity. so i feel, in a way, like i've found a part of myself just by knowing how i want to look everyday. on a lamer note...married life is kind of...lame. i mean i completely blame living with my parents. my mom and dad always have something to say about what i or josh is doing and so that bring tension between us and then in an effort to relieve that tension i try to mention things said by my parents to josh which creates tension between us...and then even at other times i just keep it all inside which creates HELLA tension between me, myself, and i resulting in my high stress level. thankfully i have the baby who really does bring so much joy to my life that when i'm taking care of him the stress disappears for a little while. i don't know for sure that living on our own will be better, but at this point things can only get better. gosh so much i want to write but it'll end up being mumbo jumbo if i try. so i'll just leave with saying that childbirth is the most intensely horrifying thing i've ever had to go through...and yet the most amazingly wonderful life changing (in a good way) things i've ever gone through. making want to never get pregnant agains...and yet already starting to think about #2. but in all seriousness. OUCCHH!

(15% overweight) [08 Nov 2008|09:57am] so d-day AKA "the big push" is rapidly approaching. and i'm suprised at the LACK of things completed. such as the crib bedding that josh's mom is making for us from scratch (which i love her to death for) but it seems to be taking longer than planned which just makes me a bit nervous and anxious, because it's kind of what i'm waiting to have done before i start the initial decorating of the nursery. oh and there's a thought...a nursery...hmm it would seem we don't have one. since we'll be living at my parents for a little while we are having to go by their rules (which is fair) and their rules are we don't get to move in until we're married, which means rooms haven't even begun to be moved around. everything is still where it is...which is stressful to me because all i want is to have ONE thing complete! and although i know being married before the baby gets here is on everyone elses agenda, i just seem to have the slightest apprehension about it. i mean i love josh. and i'm excited to see him become a daddy. and my hope is that we will be able to get through the first 6 months with the baby and come out even closer on the other end. but i really do want to wait a little longer before we actually get MARRIED! the things that are making me want to get married how are NOT reasons why people get married. like being able to receive benefits from his company. NOT A REASON! pleasing his and my family. NOT A REASON! to be allowed to live together in my parents house. (although a good reason) NOT A REASON! wanting to have a ring on my finger. NOT A REASON! :) i just want to feel the real reasons of marriage before i actually do it. and things are too crazy right now to feel those reasons without MUCH interference. unfortunately this is not something i've stressed to my family or even to josh, so as far as everyones concerned i'm just waiting for a ring. on a lighter note, their are SOME things that are coming together. like my baby shower. which i had nothing to do with. my lovely filipino co-workers planned on throwing me a suprise baby shower at our office, but when that didn't clear with management they decided to have it at delia's house, and that's when it turned into this big thing. delia invited the whole company (well all the women of the company) and then asked me who'd i'd like to come (my mom, josh's mom, and boo) and before i know it everyone's asking me "where are you registered!?" so i immediately got into baby registry mode. the nice thing was was i was actually able to find a few of the things i needed for a considerably lower price thanks to...my mom and round robin. my mom helped me to acquire a car seat and backup stroller (as i'm not going to be using that thing on a daily basis) from simply asking a fellow customer of the dollar tree what kind of car seat she had her son in. turned out it was the one i'd been researching online and the one that i had put on my registry. the lady told my mom she was planning on selling it along with a stroller on craigslist.com but that if i wanted it she's sell them both for 50$...a steal when you consider the car seat alone is 100$. so i was able to delete that off. then while looking in a local consignment shop, called round robin, i wandered into the baby section and found a baby bjorn baby carrier (these babies retail for 80$!) for SEVEN FREAKING DOLLARS! i don't know if these people didn't know what it was they were selling or what, but i snatched that puppy right off the shelves. along with a baby wipe warmer which retails for 30$ and i bought for 10$. those were also two things that i had put on my registry and was able to deleted them off. pretty much the only expensive thing left on there is the 100$ swing, which i'll get 10% off anyways if nobody buys it because babiesrus is cool like that. i also bought my stroller off-line and it's weird but i'm excited for it to come and to put it together. i dunno it's like shopping for the baby helps me feel some sort of relief from all the wishy washiness of everything else. if i couldn't buy things, i think i'd be going crazy. alas, on to just some life news. this week my friend, heather, came down from north carolina un-expectantly and i was able to get away from the usually hub-bub and just be me and my fun self. then next week (the week of the shower) alex and her boyfriend are coming up from anna maria and staying a night here. so that will be yet another escape from monotony. and THHHEENN on top of the week after that being josh's birthday and thanksgiving week...we also have josh's friend coming down from georgia to visit for their birthdays (which are on the same day, aww) so lots to look forward to in the next few weeks. maybe my sanity will stretch even further :)

(overweight) [03 Aug 2008|09:36pm] [ mood | aggravated ] just need to vent about my little brother. never in my life has he angered me more than now...well at least it feels that way lately. I've always been annoyed with his snotty remarks and judgmental nature. But now that I'm in the process of being a mother...which comes with an inferiority complex amongst uncontrollable hormones. So when my 15 year old brother tells me...DAILY...that I need to stop eating so much "junk food" I tend to get a little ticked. He has NO idea what I eat 90% of the day, and even so has NO right to tell me what to eat or not. I would understand better if he said it in a nice way or even if I was actually eating too much junk food, but I don't. I've actually been making it a point to eat healthy in whatever ways I can. So tonight he's going on and on about my eating and my life and all this shit, and I just snap. And I screamed at him to "shutup" and in doing that pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I didn't think that was possible to do by just yelling, but I was pretty pissed. I'm just hoping he cuts the shit out so that our lives can be a little less stressful the rest of my pregnancy. that's all.

(overweight) road tripping [25 Jul 2008|07:31pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] finally after months of stress (mixed with a bit of excitement) and lots of night/days spent sleeping. i've felt like my life was already starting to take the shape of a life of a mom. but then ALAS a light at the end of the tunnel. MY BIRTHDAY! a perfect excuse to take a few days off take a road trip with my equally as stressed out boyfriend and go down south for a little R&R. It's funny how when you really want something you find quick ways of requiring the money to get them. not that it takes two people that long to save up for a 3 day trip. anyway so we're leaving tomorrow morning to head down to anna maria, FL. I'm excited for josh to see the beautiful island. not to mention spending my birthday with the two most important people in my life outside my family. on to some other news...today at work i'm just sitting there doing my work when all of a sudden my ears perk up because i think i hear the sound of a cat meowing. i look over to my co-worker jenny to see if she heard it, too. and she was just smiling. i asked her if someone had a cat in the building and she said that my other co-worker linda was making the noises. which impressed me because i can make pretty good cat noises but this noise was the sound of a distressed cat. anyway, so i hear it again and i get up and go to the front only to see a few of my co-workers crowded around this man holding a BEAUTIFUL cat. (or as i found out a bengal) first here's a picture of this beautiful bengal. Meeet sterling. a SILVER bengal who lives here in jacksonville. he's the sweet little kittie i met today. and let me just say that on top of his beauty and good temperment...his fur was THE softest fur i've ever felt. These cats are the ultimate domestic animal. and they have a price to match. the guy told me kittens usually go for around 650$ and he's sold one for as much as 4,000$. i'm still interested and i asked him if they had any kittens now or coming up and he said yes to both, and then he added that if i got the kitten through linda that i could get a discount. which wouldn't go lower than 400$ but i consider that a DISCOUNT! cool thing is my brother has been wanting a dog for so long, but when i showed him pictures of bengals and told him all about them, he immediately changed his mind. soooo hopefully my parents will look into it and we'll be able to get ourselves a precious little bengal kitten. yay for cats. yay for road trips. and yay for my belly getting bigger and bigger everyday :)

(overweight) sick on top of morning sickness! [23 Jun 2008|03:42pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | on hold music ] i've been working for terrie for almost 3 years now. in those three years between the two of them atleast 50% of the time i'm over there one of them is sick. not always with something contagious...but i'm just saying. i'm usually pretty cautious about not catching any germs. but of course when terrie and megan BOTH have a contagiously grossss virus i make sure to catch it. i mean i drank after megan ate after megan. kissed megan on the mouth. practically injected myself with the damn thing. the good thing is it took until the very end of the dinner with the mason's for me to throw up for the first time. but once it started it didn't stop. i was up all night throwing up every 10 minutes. eventually it was just stomach bile coming up which was gross. it was absolutely horrible. josh came over around 2AM and stayed up with me until about 4AM. anyway next day i was so freaking dehydrated i just started taking big sips of coke and gatorade (despite my moms advice to take small sips) anyway so i threw up like twice from that. but once i stopped with th heavy drinking i didn't throw up again, and although i still had nasuea and eventually a fever, i was really feeling better. i got a great nights sleep and today despite feeling verrrry weak from not eating for an entire day, i'm feeling much better the dinner with the mason's on saturday went very well. our parents got a long quite well. and suprisingly we didn't talk one peep about me josh and the baby. whether or not either of the parents did i don't know. we found out our insurance will not be covering me for prenatal care. and as of july 27th, 2008 i will no longer be cover for anything with my parents, unless i'm in school full time, which is bull shit. i can understand maybe part time, but i really don't feel up to full time, and not only that but i need to be working full time, but schooling full time. so that's going to add a lovely about of stress of my load. i'm hoping to be FINALLY going to the freaking doctor next week. which would be nice since i'm almost 12 weeks. other than that. work is going well. i have a buddy there named john. he makes work fun. my parents are being really good about everything. especially this past day with me being sick...my brother, too. josh has been being great, too. even though i tend to come down harder on him than everyone else. my birthday is a little over a month away. not particularly excited about it just because o the whole insurance thing. but maybe i'll get some nice suprises. my room is a mess and definitely needs to be cleaned ASAP, but all in due time, can't push too hard. that's all for now.

(overweight) [14 Jun 2008|01:45pm] [ mood | content ] pregnancy update #2. morning sickness is a bitch. i absolutely HATE throwing up, and i'm usually pretty good about keeping it down. but it's different with being pregnant...it just forces itself up. and what really sucks is having to literally run to the bathroom while i'm at work so i can puke 5 or 6 times and hope to God no one walks in. but i've been managing really well thanks to coca cola :) other things i've been experience are cramps and pains in weird places. they're annoying of course, but not as bad as the whole morning sickness thing. third thing i'm experiencing is definitely that whole heightened smell thing. sometimes it's ridiculous the things i pull out of the air and claim that i'm smelling. but josh thinks it's funny. especially when i supposedly smell cat pee everywhere we go. anyway. my first doctors appointment is june 19th. i'll be seeing dr. tracy wells. but the interesting think about my OB is that i technically have 4 of them. they switch off. and so i'll be seeing all of them throughout my pregnancy and then when i go to deliver i won't know which one will be on call so either of the 4 could deliver my baby. kind of weird to think about. but hopefully i'll like all of them. anyway. then june 21st the mason's (josh's parents) are coming over for dinner at our house to meet my parents and discuss our future. should be quite the interesting night. josh has been verrrrry good to me this past month, and he's definitely putting up with a lot of my shit on a daily basis. i try to make it up to him by turning my nice switch on more often than not. we're both excited about the whole thing though. which is good, but i know there's going to be a time when things start getting stressful and we have to start really "growing up" but the good news is our parents are supportive. they're more concerned with our well being than being upset with us. in fact neither side has shown any discontent about the situation. i mean we are both technically adults. we just have no way of showing for it. me being 18 and having not started school yet. and josh being 22 working at steak'n'shake. but i know we'll get it together in time for the baby. in the meantime we're just enjoying the thought of being parents.

(35% overweight) WHAOHC?@ [17 May 2008|09:02pm] [ mood | nauseated ] so as of 5/15/08 i am pregnant. after a morning spent vomiting at work. my boss implored me to take a pregnancy test. so as soon as i got off i went to cvs, bought a test, went to josh's, peed on the stick, and within 5 seconds i had two big fat blue lines staring at my face. i think the first day was a real mind number. once it settled in ,that night while i was having trouble sleeping due to extreme nausea, i realized shit...this might be hard. but josh is on board with everything as far as staying with me and taking care of me. the things we're unsure of are as follows. what our parents have to say if we're keeping the baby how far along i am HOW THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE HAPPEND...actually that's the only thing we do know right now. anyway. my life has just taken a complete 180...and i couldn't be more pleased for the changes. however challenging they may be.

(overweight) [06 May 2008|05:22pm] [ mood | mellow ] i started my job at dunkin' donuts. and so far it hasn't been too bad. i mean besides the fact that because i'm the new girl i...for some reason...need a lot of practice mopping floors and washing windows. but i love the action of filling the orders. it's like a game to me. and then when i need a break i take a clean towel and start cleaning which is mindless work. my co-workers are nice. some of them more than others, but it's all good. we're all getting a long fine. my boss likes me a lot, she even has a nickname for me "nanny" (due to my prior job) haha anyway my hours are kinda crazy...every day this week from either 6AM-12 or 6AM-11. wayyyyy too fucking early for me. orr it was. i'm just going to have to deal with it though. the cool thing is i actually make tips. not very much but tips nonetheless. and as soon as our manager leaves it's like a straight up party. music on eating donuts, drinking milk, and taking all the smoke breaks we can handle (so long as the store is in shape and there aren't too many customer) all in all i like it. it's really making me appreciate all the down time i had before that i just wasted away. my bed time is now 9o'clock. other unimportant news...i saw iron mand...twice. it was great. an all around very well done movie. congrats robert downey and jon favreau. my parents leave for montreal in 9 days. that will be nice only because i'll be able to have josh sleep with me every night and i can wake up next to him...go to work...and then come home to him...probably still sleeping. ha but yeah we've had a lot of time apart the past few days and i've been missing him a lot. so yeah it'll be nice. my cats apparently saved two baby birds today. they had fallen out of there nest or something, and they brought them into our porch. no puncture wounds in them at all. my mom brought then into my work this morning to show me before she took then to a lady who helps birds. it was a pretty random thing to do but i'm glad she did. i just hope next time she brings in a squirrel. and i can keep it :)

(overweight) [01 May 2008|10:54pm] [ mood | bouncy ] super. so let's see. update before i can update. josh and i broke up. he cheated on me. boo fuckidy hoo. no really i was sad. anyway, i freaked out at my family's easter dinner and made the decision to pack my bags and take a trip to anna maria island. AKA home to my best friend, alex. yeah so that was the best idea ever. totally helped me get my mind of things, and i even got to attend classes with alex, which was boring for the most part, but it's school...what did i expect. it did however make me want to get into the college thing. anyway shit hit the fan when josh sent me a myspace message something about not letting anything hold me back. which totally threw me off. i this whole time he was off with his new girlfriend going crazy. but anyway so i tryed to strike something up...like a conversation maybe?...but i guess he didn't get it. so i figured it was just his way of saying sorry but still...no thanks. anyway that sucked. so i come home life fades to shitty again because i have a HUUUGGE void in my life that me wonderful ex left me with. until one evening i'm playing my nightly games of solitaire and i get a text message from josh's mom's phone. the funny thing was was that for a second i actually thought she was the one who sent "can we talk" i thought josh had died or something...haha anyway i quickly used my brain and realized that no it was josh using his mom's phone. so anyway we talked on the phone. he apolijized and told me lots of fun stuff that i had been only dreaming he would say. one in which was that he maybe thought he was falling in love with me. anyway so i'm too nice, and when he asked if he could come over i said yeah. so he got here at like 1 left at 5. nothing happend in the way of physicalenss. but you could tell he wished it had. but basically we talked and decided we were going to work things out...take things slow and see what happens. yeah i definitely didn't stick to that. things went RIGHT back to how they were. which wasn't entirely bad. but i mean he chhheaaaatteeeddd on my shouldn't he get a little punishment? yes! but i'm dumb. so anyways like 3 weeks into this...maybe a little less. i go through his cell phone just to look (i'm nosy) and i see all these text messages from these girls. saying like oh are you coming tonight. and oh i had fun. just all this shit. they were dated within the time we weren't together, but i mean he told me the night he came over that the whole time we weren't together he was miserable and that he was basically a hermit in a shell. so i found out he's been lieing. sweet. on top of that. i find out that he lied to me about 1. still having his job...and then 2. about him getting fired. (he told me he quit) and i'm like WOOOOWWW...you cheat on me, then beg me to let you earn my trust back...and then you fucking lie about ALLLL THIIIS SHIIITTT! but of course i am still dumb and i didn't do a whole lot in the way of "punishing" him. i suck at all of this and i know. but i don't know what else to do. so it's all on the back burner for now. moving on. i want to move to anna maria and live with boo...get a job and go to school there. which hopefully follows through, because i really loved it there. i got a job at dunkin donuts in the mean time, and i'm still working at terrie's just not as much as i used to. david has been living with me since his discharge from the army. it's cool. and i got my braces off. haha and can i just say that retainers fucking suuuuck

(overweight) [19 Mar 2008|11:27pm] [ mood | depressed ] so life's been pretty monotonous the last month or so. i officially have like 3 friends in orange park. i feel alone here. i've got david in texas, alex in south florida, lee in georgia, josh in pennsylvania, and anyone else who matters is in orlando. i'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy, but at the same time i feel like he doesn't get me, or understand why i am the way i am, and what's worse is he doesn't care to find out. and when it comes to him i feel like i have to cut through so much shit to figure him out. he's got like a million layers on top of him. he's close minded about certain things, which i HAAAATE. and he's very one worded when i try to ask him about things. it's really been making me miss the old josh. the one who i could not only tell everything to, but i could feel a sense of relation with because i knew he understood. but i'm afraid that josh is gone forever. lost in a world of drugs and dead end lifestyle. meanwhile i sit here trying to pull myself from the remains of a drowning period in my life, which still haunts me. i mean i've come a long long way from a year ago. more than i could have ever done without turn-about. but i still feel there's something missing for me to complete my transition from girl to women...i feel trapped, like most of the time i try to act so mature and think so mature. but out of nowhere i find myself acting like a damn school girl. it drives me nuts. i just want to shake myself. but instead i go into my little depression segments. where i think every bad thing about myself. which is where i am now. and i feel as though the boy who could somewhat make me feel better i've pushed away because of my eccentricities. and the one boy i know could make me feel wonderful is even more lost than me. it's no wonder i feel disgusting. i have all this emotion and no one to let it out, too well i do have people to talk to but i just never do. i feel they might say exactly what i think they'll say, and i want to hear something different for once. i don't know what to do about josh m. whether i just cut my losses and move forward. or if i continue on and try to work through what i feel is a never ending burden. BUT HE TREATS ME SO WELL!!! ugh. but love is what matters and if you don't have that. what do you have? anyway. on top of that. my mother tells me tonight that my godmother anne perdue has passed away of pneumonia due to a weak immune system due to does of kemo-therapy taken for lung cancer. it's actually really sad to me, most people don't really know their god mothers, but i did. and she sent my cards every birthday and christmas including a gift. she always said something along the lines of "i'll be praying for you" or "god bless you elizabeth" i just wish i'd sent her one thank you car back. i never found time for her. she was the best godmother a girl could ask for. and i know shes's in heaven looking down on me and protecting me from the sky. i love you auntie anne.<3

(overweight) a few things that need to be said [22 Nov 2007|06:53pm] for my sanity. i have to get these things out, even though the people that should be hearing them will never read this. it makes me feel a little more stable to know at least maybe someone will. when i came back from Utah i found out josh (my boyfriend at the time) had cheated on me with some complete whore because "he didn't know where i was or if i was coming back and he was miserable" funny thing about that is that, that whore is now pregnant...whether or not it's his i have no idea. anyway i believed his shit for a while, about how he loved me and wanted to be with me so bad that he would do ANYTHING to make things work. i mentioned the fact that he still smoked weed, and HE HIMSELF swore to me that he wouldn't touch it again, and that no matter how hard it was he would stay away from it forever because that's how important i was. i was pretty impressed with all the talk he was talking, but a part of me couldn't fall back in love with the same josh i loved prior to my summer away. because when you love somebody and they cheat on you, something dies. and i was afraid it wasn't coming back, and i began to search for that love that i missed so dearly. it came down to me getting seduced by my...older...tattoo artist. and man was i seduced. i went on a "date" with him, and ended up staying the night at his house. the next morning was a total cliche' for one night stands, since that pretty much turned out to be what it was. it was awkward and very uncomfortable for me. and the rest of the day i felt like shit. i felt used, and just...awkward. i started to feel better though when he contacted me the next day, and we talked back and forth on myspace all the time. he'd respond to my little surveys saying little things like. "oh liz, i'd really like another kiss ;)" eventually it got really old to me, and i started to get annoyed when he never asked to hangout or anything, especially since his myspace page was blowing up with little hotties who i'm sure at one point either had or would do the exact same shit it did. that started making me feel bad about myself, like i was exactly like every girl i didn't like or something. even though i didn't know these girls i just felt like you couldn't distinguish my personality from theirs. anyway. finally he suggested hanging out last monday, and even though i didn't want to do anything with him, i felt for my sanity i needed to hangout with him once without any sexual acts just to ensure that i could. well monday came, and i was pretty excited because he was supposibly going to take me on a bike ride. but...he never called. and the completely funny thing was he responded to one of my bulletins that day, like he just had no fucking idea that we were suppost to hangout. i never got to the bottom of it, like whether he did forget or not. but i just know that i need to let it go. live and learn. but with all this hype dying down, and my mind feeling completely drained, i'm left to think about josh, and how during all this we stopped talking. he told me one day that he had been smoking weed and i got really upset, and he said "i just don't think i can make you happy" which made me even more upset and eventually i hung up. an i haven't talked to him since. so now i'm left feeling the feelings of "oh...it's actually over" which sucks ass! and on top of that still feeling the used/rejected feelings from the tattoo artist. my self esteem went from highest it's ever been. to low. i'm moody as fuck with my friends. the few that i have here. and i just feel like my face is in this depressed/angry countenance all the time, and if it isn't it's because i'm faking it. and i know it isn't my depression because i'm taking my pills. which mean i really have just like fucked up my mental health. i've done so many things without thinking about the consequence or the potential things that could go wrong, and now that everything has i feel like shit. i've been bottling this up for a good two weeks now and it really does feel good to write it out and see it in front of me. i mean i've told bits and peices of the story to people. but i always play it down...like it's no big deal to me, when really it's been tearing me apart. that's all. i feel a little better. oh and happy thanksgiving.

(45% overweight) where was i? [10 Sep 2007|08:40pm] [ music | death cab- passenger seat ] yeah, so the last 3 months i've been in utah. my parents finally did what they've been threatening to do for 4 years. they sent me away to a program called 'turn-about ranch' the experience was ofcourse life changing. and i learned things that i will carry with me for the rest of my life. my friends have noticed a change, my parents have, and even my neighbors have noticed. everyone says i look really healthy and happy. i gained 15 lbs so i guess thats what they mean my healthy. i got a hell bad farmers tan that i'm trying to get rid of. i lost my boyfriend due to decisions he made while i was away. he's currently trying to win me back, but we'll see what happens with that. something that really became apparent to me while i was away, was that if i continued on the path i was on it could very well have winded up dead within the next 5 years. instead i'm being more cautious and staying on an honest and safe path to secure the future i so badly want. right now i'm working with terry still, and trying to find a 2nd job. i'm also working with a lady who owns 3 horses. i help her with them and in turn i get to ride for free. and i will be starting school in january. where, i still don't know. i'm planning a fall visit to colorado to see my boo. and this year i plan on actually spending christmas with my family in virginia. the friendships i made at turn-about are irreplacable. the lessons i learned are timeless. and the life i'm living now is amazing. i'm actually happy. not because i have a boyfriend, not because i'm doing whatever the fuck i want regardless of what my parents say, not because i'm 18, not because i do drugs. but because i'm alive, because i have integrity, and because i have a plan for my life. i still have my peacemaker personality, i'm still bubbley, i'm still impulsive, i'm still eccentric. i'm just channeling them in good ways. i'll never forget my experiences at turn-about. especially since i'm getting a tattto that will remind me of them for the rest of my life, but i couldn't have gotten a better chance to start over.

(overweight) [01 Jun 2007|03:18pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | olive me -NOFX ] JERRY'S COMING BACK! ( JERRRRY! ) and yeah i recently got pulled over for driving josh's car without proper tags. and i have to go to court and pay something like $46...shittay. josh bought jerry a bus ticket today for him to come back down here! i'm so excited! he gets here june 3rd at 12:10AM. which is fine i wouldn't be sleeping that night anyway. terry gets back in 9 days...i better get over to her house and finish painting...ay? Rice Dream milk is gooooood. so i burned 3 new cd's i was so happy with them buuuuuut... -i let linzi borrow one and haven't been able to get it back. -my dad took away my cd player which had one of them in it. -and josh broke the other one in his bare hands out of anger. wtf! ( less important pictures )

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